Herts Squash - Jokes 1
Censored !! Please note. If you are easily offended then don't read this
Subject: The Old Poodle.
(Any similarity or resemblance of any the following characters to current
projects members, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Honest).
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard
heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle
sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mouse balls
and for those concerned about mouse welfare...
Mouse balls are now available as a field replaceable unit (FRU). If a mouse fails to operate or perform erratically, it may need ball replacement. This is a delicate operation and should be attempted by trained staff only.
Before ordering, determine which type of mouse balls are required by examining the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method, while domestic balls should be replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each service technician keep a pair of balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Whatever you nerds do, don't click on
The End of the Internet website
Subject: Best Out of Office Auto Replies
1. I am currently out at a job
interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared
for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your
mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged ? 5.99 for
the first ten words and ? 1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can
see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system...
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...
When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
Jokes for Business People:
Fair Deal
Our multivendor spares procurement manager called one of his suppliers for a
reasonably regular order of PC networking boards.
' Frank,' he asked. 'What's your best price on networking boards?'
'I can give you five for £600,' said Frank.
Getting into the spirit of negotiation forced on him by the bean counters,
our man launched his gambit.
'Five for £600? Bill at Bits and Boards (not its real name – Ed) would sell
me SEVEN for £600.'
'So, why not order them from Bill then,' said Frank.
'Unfortunately, Bill says he is out of the network boards at the mo.'
'Okay,' said Frank – the hole in our man's argument looming massively –
'when I've sold out of network boards, I'll give you seven for £600.'
Joe Hammond
Dangers abroad
Some of our engineers have to travel overseas for several days at a time on
installations and on one occasion in Switzerland one of our guys was moaning
about the cost of everything. 'Back home,' he said, 'you can drink as much
as you want without paying, sleep in the best hotels for free, and wake up
to find £20 on your pillow.'
Disbelieving colleagues queried the existence of this Heaven on Earth. 'Has
that ever really happened to you?' asked one.
'Not exactly' he agreed. 'But my wife says it is happening to her all the
time.'
William Lacey
The Exhibitionist
An engineer walks into the hospitality suite at Service Management Europe.
He gets his drink and thinking he is on safe ground gets on to his favourite
subject – management. 'I've got this great service manager joke,' he says in
a booming voice to no one in particular.
One suited bar fly hisses to him in a sharp warning tone: 'Before you tell
that joke, you should know that I'm a service manager and so are most of the
people at this show.'
'Ah, I see what you mean' our engineer nods sagely. 'I'll tell it very
slowly then.'
Mark Jones
Censored Jokes (or they should be)
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f**k off and leave me alone.
- The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
- Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
- Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know