More Jokes

 

Censored !! Please note. If you are easily offended then don't read this

This guy was lonely ...
and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Franks with me and have a beer?" but there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,

"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*cking shoes on."

 
CIA Job opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists ... two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. "This gun is loaded with blanks, she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Subject: Some new words and business phrases... if you have time, read them all!

FUNNY

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking B*ll*cks.

BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on everything, and
then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also
applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO.
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato

SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless
paperwork and processes.


404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

New Oxford Dictionary definitions

GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're

just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your

declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a

McShit with Lies.



AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.



AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.



BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise

at 3am in the morning.



BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze

cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how

you got here, and where you've come from.



BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.



BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After

breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be

required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.



BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please"



GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.



JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who

works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges

displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show

their level of training.



MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from

the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.



MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Ho!

Aa!Aa!Aa!".



MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the

toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people

so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.



MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake

up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in

your bed instead.



NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).



PEARL HARBOUR

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour"

out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)



PICASSO BUM

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's

got four buttocks.



SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.



SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive woman.



TART FUEL

Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
 


Whatever you nerds do, don't click on
The End of the Internet website